Accepting Discipline

Hi Friends,

Last week was a challenge; letting Sunday be the day I let my emotions wash over me allowed Monday to bring in new perspective. I’ve started a routine for myself. An acceptance of discipline. Pre-move, I was delighted at the idea of no job or responsibilities. I expected the dam of obligation would open and allow my creativity to flow freely. Now, a month post-move, I know I was wrong. It wasn’t the responsibilities, it was my attachment to them. Then, I was doing what I had to do, not what I wanted to do, and I wasn’t where I wanted to be. My life before was beautiful and it had many fruits, yet it wasn’t where I wanted to be. Both can be true.

I’m accepting that discipline is a Godly feature. It’s what we are disciplined about that makes all the difference. These days I want to wake and be dressed before noon because it invites me to be prepped for adventure. I want to sleep before midnight so I can be well-rested and clear-headed when I write. I want to feel prepared, sharpened for all the mysteries and blessings that unfold around me each day.

This all started because I could feel my body asking for something. I listened and I was able to understand. I always wanted a partner, lover, husband, to know me without explanation. To be able to understand my body as much or more than I could. This experience now of hearing myself tastes different. Fulfilling my own needs is a different level of connection and intimacy within myself that goes beyond any external interventions. The more I listen, the more I notice. The more enlightened I become to my own self.

Working the routine prepared me for adventures. Tuesday, I packed a lunch and spent the day in Birmingham sitting in the library, learning a new city, learning how to take the train. The next day, off to Manchester.

There I found the Silk Road, with shops delightfully tempting to a millennial of my taste. I found a doughnut shop, Portico Library, and some of the best Thai food I’ve had since 2018 when I was in Thailand. I also attended a concert. Each day I felt empowered to be where I was. Prepared.

In my somber moment I admitted that I don’t know what this journey is for. I don’t know what will happen. Instead of having God’s blueprint for my life, I am being given the tools to make sure I don’t miss the moments as they come. I am being given the opportunity to fall deeper into myself throughout this journey.

So now when I brush my teeth and tend to basic grooming, I feel prepared for the outside world. When I’ve completed my morning devotions, I feel prepared for the mental battle. When I move my body I feel like I’m buffing my vintage car. When I write or craft, I feel like I’m encouraging my inner child. When I work on THE ĪTER, I’m pushing toward my purpose. That’s a routine that makes me feel whole, that welcomes the discipline. It makes me want to participate. Not participating would mean missing out on touching base with all of those parts of me. How could I do that?

I have no incentive to do anything, yet I feel every desire to do things that I choose—that matter to me. Isn’t that interesting? All the time I spent avoiding routine and discipline, I hadn’t realized it was the inner me wanting attention from me.